The New Bill Of Rights
by Lewis Napper
posted with permission 9/6/00
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots,
keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of
debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby
try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other bedwetters. We hold
these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by
the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but
no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the
world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans
are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the
creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be
nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If
you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if
the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you
rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where
you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk
their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight
if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not
want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a
military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of
you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect
you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational
training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means
that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which by the way, is a lot
easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."
The New Bill Of Rights
