In June, 1974 I was baptized and confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. It was a glorious experience, and I remember it well.
I never questioned the truthfulness of the gospel or of the Restoration. From the
moment I heard the missionaries teach, I knew it was true. There was never even a flicker
of doubt. It was like being reunited with an old and dear friend.
The spirit of repentance did not come upon me until the day I was baptized. Before that
time I had received a testimony that the Gospel was true and that the Church of Jesus
Christ had in fact been restored by the Prophet Joseph Smith. But the question of my sins
had not been the object of my serious consideration until the day of my baptism. I was at
the time, twenty-four years of age.
For me, the process of repentance began with my baptismal interview prior to my
baptism. The interviewer was kind and considerate although his questions pierced my soul.
I wept as I confessed my sins and admitted of my deep sorrow for my past life. My spirit
was truly contrite as I entered into the waters of baptism. I wept openly throughout my
baptism and confirmation as the spirit of the Lord testified to my heart of the tender
mercies of a loving God. I had truly been born again to see the Kingdom of Heaven. I felt
the burden of my sins lifted and I rejoiced with all my heart at my membership in Christ's
true church.
Through it all I did not know that, although I had received the spirit of repentance
prior to my baptism, I had not received the gift of full repentance; that, while I had
been born again to "see" the Kingdom of heaven through the receipt of my
testimony by the power of the Holy Ghost, yet I had not been born again to
"enter" into the Kingdom of God and I had not actually received the constant
companionship of the Holy Ghost. While I had enjoyed a sanctifying experience that lifted
the burden of my sins, yet I had not been sanctified unto a complete and unconditional
remission of all my sins, including the effects of those sins. My knowledge of these
heavenly truths did not come until later, in July of 1981.
For seven years, from 1974 until 1981 I was actively and zealously engaged in Gospel
living. In December, 1975 my predous wife and I were married in the Arizona Temple. I was
consumed with the desire to live the Gospel fully; to serve, teach, testify, study and
pray fervently. And I did so continually. I was actively involved in missionary work,
temple work and home teaching. I strived to magnify all my church callings and took my
membership in Christ's church very seriously, as I do to this day. I absorbed myself in
Gospel and scripture study feeling that I couldn't read enough. I indeed hungered and
thirsted after righteousness and truth and this hunger and passion has not subsided for
even a moment, for even a heartbeat.
Through it all I enjoyed many spiritual experiences, sanctifying experiences. I have
come now to describe such experiences as "contractions" leading to my spiritual
birth. I felt the spirit of the Lord with me many times; I felt His love for me and felt a
great love for Him and a desire to know Him. I was privileged to be an instrument in the
Lord's hands several times in exercising the Priesthood. Miracles were performed and lives
were blessed. It was a wonderful seven years; a tune of growth, development and
preparation; a time of gestation. Yet through it all I sensed that something was missing.
I could not describe what was missing in my life then, although now it is clear and
nderstandable. Still, describing it to others is very difficult. It's like trying to
explain the joy of parenthood to those who have never been parents.
In 1981 my life changed. For seven years the Lord had prepared my mind and my heart. My
time was at hand. My Heavenly Father sent to me a son of God, a member of the church who
was and is a true disciple of Christ, to draw me unto His Beloved Son. This blessed man
carried within his soul the seed of Christ which he planted within my heart. Like all true
endowments of the Spirit, only those who have the gift can confer it to others by the
power of the Holy Ghost.
What was this seed of Christ? It was the blessed gift of pure testimony that enlivened
within my soul the need and will to live spiritually. This is the endowment that
ultimately induced the labor of the second birth.
The Spirit of the Lord bore witness to me that this man knew Christ. As we sat in my
home one evening I felt the power of his testimony of the Savior as I had never felt it
before. My soul was aflame with the desire to know the Lord as this man did, and I told
him so.
The next morning as we were about to depart, my new friend boldly invited me to come to
Christ. He urged me to pray more fervently until I received the baptism by fire; he called
me to repent until I received a complete remission of my sins. His words were bold but
kind and they sunk deeply unto the core of my heart. The seed of Christ had been planted.
Little did I know what all of this would mean.
This was a very difficult time in my life. At the time I was serving as the Stake
Mission President in my stake. I was immersed in my calling and was enjoying a good
measure of success. But I was self-employed at the time and my consulting practice was
very slow. In fact, at the time I had no clients and was financially without means to
provide for my family.
It was during this time that I was called to come home to Christ. Shortly after my
friend departed I found myself in my office alone and without work. The Spirit called me
one day as I sat behind my desk and prompted me to pray. I instructed my secretary that I
did not want to be interrupted under any circumstances and then locked myself in my office
and began to pour out my heart unto God.
I prayed that day and for two succeeding days. I prayed long and hard and for many
things. But the primary intent and focus of my prayers was to know the Lord and to
understand and appreciate the personal implications of the Atonement in my life.
On the third day, July 21, 1981, I found myself kneeling again by my chair in fervent
prayer to know the Lord. Suddenly I saw myself praying and the presence of the Lord was
beside me. As I watched, the Lord spoke to my mind and said, "Look." I looked
and for the first time in my life I saw myself as I really was, through the eyes of
Christ.
What I saw I cannot fully describe in words. My whole soul was illuminated and I saw
with complete clarity and understanding the deepest recesses of my subconscious mind. I
saw within the hidden nooks and crannies of my soul the effects of all my sins as well as
all my sins of commission and omission which had been repressed into the hidden regions of
my mind. I was completely transparent. Everything was now so painfully clear, my sinful
motives, intentions and desires, all cleverly disguised and rationalized through years of
self-talk. Even the good things I had done for the wrong reasons were flashed before my
all-seeing eye. No act, word or deed escaped my view. I saw everything.
As I beheld myself thus, my mind was, to use Alma's words, "racked with
torment" and "inexpressible horror." Several times I tried to shut out the
vision but the Lord would not allow it. Each time I tried to turn away the Lord would say,
"Look," and I continued to look into my soul. I wept and pleaded for the Lord to
stop the vision. When I had finally seen everything, the vision ended and there was
darkness. I tried to find the Lord but He was no longer beside me.
The scene instantly changed and I found myself behind the brush on the outside of a
garden clearing. Again a voice came to my mind and instructed me to look. My eyes turned
to the garden clearing and there, in the midst, I saw my beloved Redeemer. Suddenly it
became clear to me that I was witnessing His act of Atonement. But what transpired I was
not prepared to see.
How can one explain with mortal words the agony of a God. Anything I say or write
somehow diminishes the impact.
Be that as it may, I saw the love and suffering of the Christ and am a personal witness
of it. I don't know how it is possible, but I was in Gethsemane on the day of His Agony
and I saw in great and terrible detail with my eyes and heard in awful clarity with my
ears that which is too sacred to describe to unprepared ears.
His sobs and His cries pierced my soul and I felt the wrenching of my heart with each
audible groan or quivering convulsion of His body. Then came the revelation that broke my
heart: "Behold the love of God for you and His suffering for your sins."
It was too much to bear. As I became aware that He was suffering such agony for me
because of my sins, because of His love for me for a "soul so
rebellious and proud as mine," my heart broke and I thought I would die. Never had I
sobbed and wept so violently and with such bitterness of soul. I never knew the body could
sob as rnine did. I never knew a heart could break as mine did. I never knew a broken
heart would hurt as much as I hurt. I was in agony as never before. I thought my heart
would stop and my head and chest would explode. I cried out and begged the Father to stop
the suffering of my Friend and Elder Brother. "Stop it! Stop it! Please stop His
suffering!" I wept, I sobbed and my body convulsed in anguish as I attempted to reach
through the brush to hold Him, to somehow comfort Him. But His suffering did not stop and
there was nothing I could do to help Him.
Finally, resolving myself to this hopeless state and wishing only to die for what I had
done to Him, I cried out through my choking sobs, "Please forgive me! Please, dear
God, forgive me for what I have done to my Savior. I am sorry, so very, very sorry for
hurting Him so. It is enough," I continued, "please stop His suffering. I will
never again do anything to hurt Him. Never! Never!"
I continued to sob and plead for forgiveness until I was totally exhausted and lay
slumped on the floor weeping hot tears of anguish and pain. My strength was exhausted and
I was prepared to die when the vision stopped and the voice of the Lord said unto me,
"My son, thy sins are forgiven thee."
When I heard these words from my Savior I was filled with fire, which I later came to
know was the endowment of charity. Never had I felt such love, such peace. I was overcome
again unto great sobbing, but this time with joy.
So intense was the outpouring of God's love through the fire of His Spirit that I felt
as though my very life would end and my flesh would be consumed. I came to know by the
spirit of revelation that my life was acceptable to the Lord; that I had been completely
and unconditionally cleansed of all my sins and the effects of my sins; that I had been
made holy, without spot -- clean every whit -- by His precious blood. I had been truly
born again to enter into the Kingdom of God; I was redeemed from the fall; sanctified by
the endowment of His perfect love, even charity. Through this experience I came to
understand the meaning of total conversion; of justification and of sanctification; of
full repentance.
I now know with a perfect knowledge that all men must be born again, or sanctified of
the spirit, in order to receive their salvation and obtain their exaltation. I know now
that only those who are truly born again can enjoy the blessings of the sanctified and can
develop to the full stature of Christ. I know now that there is a difference between the
righteousness of God and the righteousness of man; between full repentance and partial
repentance; between a broken heart and a contrite spirit; between receiving forgiveness
from one's sins and a complete and unconditional forgiveness from the effects of the fall
or the natural man; between an awakening of conscience which cultivates a sense of duty
to God and man and a mighty change of heart which bears the fruit of charity toward
God and all men.
I know now that the only way to Christ is through the offering of a broken heart and
that the only way to offer such a sacrifice acceptably is to experience, in a personal
way, the power and reality of the Atonement in our life; to understand and appreciate
sufficiently the personal implications of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ for our sins and
fallen nature. Perhaps this may come in different ways to different people, but the
substance and results of the experience will, of necessity, always be the same. The
greatest manifestation of God's love for us is in the Savior's suffering for our personal
sins. It is the power of His suffering for us that draws us to Him in a complete sense and
changes our heart totally. When our sacrifice of a broken heart has been accepted (i.e.,
justified) by the Lord, when we have fully repented of all our sins, then is our life
acceptable (i.e., justified) unto the Lord. Sanctification, which is the effect or fruit
of justification, totally cleanses and purifies the spirit and endows the person with a
faith and hope in Christ, and with charity.
At this point, a few words of explanation might be appropriate. First, no one need
suppose that they are exempt from the second birth or that their life and sacrifice is
acceptable unto God unless it has been declared thus by the spirit of revelation. Such
revelation is essential because we cannot, by definition, be conscious of sins and their
effects that reside in the subconscious mind. A person can therefore believe that his/her
sins and fallen nature have been repented of and yet have no knowledge that such is, in
fact, the case unless it has been unmistakably revealed and confirmed by the Lord. All men
and women must be born again to enter into the Kingdom of God. There are those who may
"speak with the tongues of men and angels" and "have the gift of prophecy
and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and... have all faith" yet, without
spiritual rebirth, without the conferral of charity through personal sanctification, they
become as "sounding brass, or tinkling cymbal" and are "nothing."
Second, no one who is to be truly born again can avoid the painful anguish of going
through the birth canal and, while it is true that the gestation period of sanctification
is indeed a process, yet the actual birth is an event in time.
Third, only the Lord defines the price that needs to be paid and the timetable of
spiritual rebirth
Fourth, personal sanctification does not just happen. It must be sought for diligently
through mighty prayer and obedience.
Fifth, personal sanctification is and can be experienced in mortality and should be
sought for in this Life.
Sixth, the only way to offer up a broken heart sufficient for full repentance is to
experience a personal encounter with the reality of the Atonement in our lives; to realize
by the spirit of revelation the love of Christ for us personally, as manifested in His
suffering for our sins. This does not mean that every person must have an identical
experience to the one presented here, but an encounter there must be, and what a glorious
encounter it is.
Seventh, no one can be truly born again, or sanctified, unless he/she has received the
ordinances of baptism and confirmation and has fully repented of all his/her sins and
will. Any forgiveness of sins referred to prior to baptism is merely conditional
and anticipatory. Complete forgiveness through personal sanctification cannot take place
without the ordinances of baptism and confirmation, performed by the legal administrators
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Finally, there is a difference between being righteous, or holy, and being absolutely
perfect. True it is that those who are sanctified are perfect in Christ, yet they are not
without weaknesses, or personal flaws. Even the sanctified err and make mistakes. But the
will, or desire, to sin is not in them and the gift of repentance remains with them
continually. Once a person has been born again he/she is a new born babe in Christ and
therefore proceeds, through the grace of God, to develop into the full stature of Christ,
until that glorious day when that more sure word of prophecy is sealed by the Holy Spirit
of Promise and we receive the Second Comforter as promised. With the blessed revelation of
salvation that I received from the Lord I knew that I would be blessed forever and
subsequently sought, with all the energy of my soul, to make my calling and election to
exaltation sure. I knew that, while I had been saved, I had not yet received that more
sure word of prophecy; that while I was an heir, I had not yet perfected the claim on my
inheritance. After much tribulation and great struggling in the flesh and in the spirit, I
finally obtained this great assurance, together with the literal fulfillment of that great
promise spoken of in D&C 93:1, JohnI4:16 and 2 Nephi 32:6. This occurred nearly ten
years from the date of my redemption.
As I have searched my life for contrasts before and after my spiritual rebirth, I have
found many valuable insights.
What has been the essential difference? Without question it has been the endowment of
charity to my soul and the knowledge, through revelation, that my life is totally
acceptable unto the Lord. The effects of this difference are far reaching and difficult to
describe without sounding commonplace. Basically, for the first time in my life, I had
come to know myself through my relationship with Christ. There was no more doubt, no
running or hiding from myself; no more questions about who I was, what I was worth and
what my status was with God. There were no more nagging questions or repressed doubts or
concerns about my life and about the meaning and value of my life; no more pretenses. I
was free. The truth had made me free; free from repressed guilt; free from insecurity;
free from pretense; free from rationalization; free from doubt; free to love and to give
myself totally to Christ and to God's children, for I had finally found myself in Christ.
The essential difference is self-truth, and what a difference it is. I was in bondage and
didn't know it. I thought I really knew myself before, but I knew nothing; only
reflections in the social mirror; only a self-concept based on who I thought I was or
wanted to be. The truth was hidden, repressed deeply within my spirit mind. It was hid in
Christ. I knew, or rather sensed, that something was missing, but I never dreamed that
what was missing was me, the truth about me and my relationship to Christ. How limited,
restricted and frustrated I was; how confused. Here I was, totally active in the church
and committed to the Gospel, and yet I was not enjoying the real power of God on a
consistent basis. My confidence was a show, one that I hoped was real but which I knew was
not. I had no power to move the heavens and I knew it. It's one thing to think you know
who you are and how you stand with the Lord, and another to know perfectly. Truly Christ
is the Way, the Truth and the Life. When I was born again I found my life, I found myself
and I found my Savior. I found the way, the way of love, the pure love of Christ, and the
way to such love, which is a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I found peace and love
and joy and hope. And now that I had found all this, I was free, released from the chains
of hell, the chains of ignorance, and free to see beyond the limits of my man-made
self-concept into the broad expanse of eternity. There was no more fear of rejection,
exposure or inadequacy. I could now lose myself in service, for I had found myself in
Christ.
Suffice it to say, I see now as I have never seen before; I know now as I have never
known before; and I feel now as I have never felt before. I enjoy a dimension of closeness
with the Lord and priesthood power that I had never known before. Indeed, my relationship
with the Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost is so personal, so deep, so rich in meaning
that I am led to sing the song of redeeming love continually to all who have ears to hear.
To those who read my testimony I plead with all of my heart, come unto Christ and find
peace to your soul. Come unto Christ and be freed from all your sins and from the
physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual effects of those sins. Come unto Christ
that He might show your weaknesses unto you and help you make weak things strong. Come
unto Christ and receive your salvation and the assurance of your exaltation, together with
a release from the cares of the world and the burden of your troubles.
I testify in the name of Jesus Christ that these words which I have written are true in
fact, in precept and in spirit, notwithstanding the weaknesses of my pen.
I testify with all of my soul that God lives; that Jesus Christ is our personal Savior
and Redeemer and that we can arrive at a point in this life where the reality of the
Atonement is the greatest reality of our life; where we can know the Savior better than we
know anyone else; that He can have a more profound influence on our life than the combined
influence of everyone else.
I testify that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true church
of Christ on the face of the earth. I testify that Joseph Smith is the Prophet of the
Restoration and that the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is
the Prophet, Seer and Revelator for the Lord on the earth today. I testify that the Book
of Mormon is the word of God and that a person can draw closer to God by living its
precepts than by living the precepts of any other book. I testify that the Holy Bible is
also the word of God as far as it is translated correctly and that the Doctrine and
Covenants and Pearl of Great Price are also Holy Scripture. And I testify that the General
Authorities of the Church are called of God. I sustain and support them and all priesthood
leaders throughout the Church with all my heart.
I testify that those who have been purified and made righteous and holy by the blood of
Christ through sanctification, or spiritual rebirth, are the sons and daughters of Christ
and of God. These are they who have taken upon themselves the name of Christ and who are
then endowed with the keys of power through the ordinances of the holy temple to perform
miracles in the name of Christ. These are they who enjoy the constant companionship of the
Holy Ghost, who receive daily revelation from the Lord, who receive visions, dreams and
visitations from holy angels. These are they who open the heavens and receive the
mysteries of godliness and the visions of eternity, who are taught doctrine from holy
angels who read from the books of lost scripture unto their minds. These are they who know
how to ask and receive answers to their prayers and who send angels to bless the lives of
the needy. These are they who know how to receive the blessings of God and obtain the
blessings of heaven and earth through the keys of prayer. These are they who understand
doctrine from the mouths of angels and who heal the sick and prophesy in the name of the
Lord. These are they who have a lively hope in Christ and the assurance that their lives
are hid in Christ, that they shall obtain the fulness of the blessings of the Priesthood.
These are they who have the seed of Christ planted in their souls and who have been
endowed with charity, even the very gift and power of God unto salvation, the gift that
plants the seed of Christ in the souls of men and women. These are they who look forward
with perfect assurance to the glorious day when they shall make their calling and election
sure, i.e., when they shall obtain the unconditional promise of their inheritance as heirs
of the Father; when they shall then receive the Second Comforter with a holy embrace and,
through Him, the Name of God, or key word of all power and authority. These are they who
have the promise that they shall receive the fulness of the Father. These are they who
continually work out their salvation with fear and trembling, repenting daily to retain a
remission of their sins.
These are the blessings of the sanctified, of those who have been truly born again or
baptized by fire. These are the blessings that every humble man or woman can enjoy,
according to the order of their creation, if they will come unto Christ, repent fully of
their sins, receive and keep the ordinances of the gospel and exercise mightily the
prayer of faith until the day of their redemption is come.
I testify that all these words are true and that, if you have not already received
them, all of these rich and glorious blessings can be yours if you truly open your mind
and heart to the Lord and come unto Him in meekness, humility and the spirit of total
submissiveness to His will.
May I, in conclusion, humbly affirm with all the sincerity of my heart, that my
knowledge of these things which I have written comes not only from the testimonies of the
prophets and not only from personal revelation and the words of God and His angels to my
mind and heart, but also from the reality of personal experience, a reality that I do not
impose upon others and claim for myself alone; a reality which is confirmed in my life by
the physical and spiritual senses of my soul and by the ratifying seal of the Holy Ghost.
Of this I so testify in the name of my Savior and Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, Amen.
