1. Every week is "Lamanite Week."
2. Annoy everyone and insist on being called "previously dead."
3. Every day is bread-making day.
4. No more taxes--or money to pay them with .
5. No more "Should I see this "R" movie?" dilemmas.
Just look out your window.
6. You get to see whether or not you"re really on God's [censored]
list.
7. Finally a chance to lose those stubborn pounds
8. Bad people will be dying in droves.
9. Your cheapskate insurance company will get its just rewards, no matter
the outcome.
10. The Weather Channel will finally come into its own.
11. Front row seats to joint Chinese-Russian nuclear testing in the US
12. News-breaking knowledge about extra-terrestrial impact on human
civilization--Possible direct experimentation at major western US universities
13. Ask not what your country can do for you, but what is my country and
who's in charge?
14. Booster courses in Chinese or Russian. Entire year's emphasis on
concentration camp terms like "Will we be eating today?," "I've
already had this morning's beating," "Did you know yo"re really
just an instrument in God's hands?." "I'm coughing up blood. May I
rest now?" For advanced studies, explain why the United Order is superior
to Communism.
15. Permanent solutions to your community's overcrowded prison
16. When anti-Mormons spit, smite, and mock you, tell them it"s funny
until someone gets damned.
17. Choose from over a thousand luxury homes at cut-rate prices in Beverley
Hills. Agent not responsible for earthquake damage, looting damage, fire
damage, flood damage, nuclear device damage, or residual pathogens.
18. You finally get the chance to make good on that promise in testimony
meeting to die for Christ. Practice your favorite scripture now to recite at
the occasion. Despite the temptation, don"t choose a short one like,
"And my father Lehi dwelt in a tent." It's likely to bomb.
19. No more nitpicking over which stocks and mutual funds to short-sell
20. For your single ward's FHE activity, go to the city's downtown and
spray paint scripture graffiti, like "Babylon is fallen," "I'm
gonna walk on your ashes," and "Jesus Rules." Refer local law
enforcement agents to the missionaries.
21. Excellent fieldwork opportunities for vulcanologists and seismologists
22. You can help your eccentric Uncle Ethan to redecorate his bomb shelter.
23. You and your friends can play "Apocalypse Black-out Bingo"
with your scriptures. The winner doesn't have to grind wheat that week.
24. Salt Lake City Mormons will be able to justify their expensive boats.
25. "Will my year's supply work?" is no longer a theoretical
inquiry.
26. Develop new appreciation for those miserable childhood camp-outs.
27. During ZCMI's women's apparel final closeout sale, you can stand in the
middle of the store and read Isaiah 3:16-26 in a loud voice.
28. No more heavy LA traffic--No more smog infested air.
29. Intensive courses in humility and prayerfulness for FREE!
30. Keep a good look out for Jesus" right hand. If you see his left
hand, run pdq in the other direction.
31. When your bishop asks in an interview whether you support the First
Presidency, smile cunningly and say, "Yes." If asked, "Which
one?", just say the one Heavenly Father supports. If asked still further,
just say, "Shouldn't that be obvious?"
32. Creative astronomy will finally come into its own. No need for
psychedelic drugs. Just point your telescope or binoculars in any skyward
direction.
33. With a little effort and extra-planning, you can have FHE field trips
to the city. Circle around corpses and ask your family, "Okay, kids, what
sins caused this plague? How might early repentance have benefitted these
people?" If your children are still too young, just say, "This is
what happens when you don't do what mommy and daddy tell you."
34. Move to the South Pacific and practice water polo for the 2002 Olympics
in Salt Lake. [Yes, I adopted this from Baruch.]
35. The census will cost less money and be faster to take.
36. If you run out of food, just fast for more.
37. Tell your nieces and nephews about the good ol' days when you drove in
automobiles to Church. Then talk to your kids about a place called
"Beirut."
38. During disasters, you"ll be able to use 3rd Nephi to fill in
conversational lulls with non-members without the usual awkwardness.
39. If your house makes it, you won't have to pay the balance of your
mortgage. If the bank forecloses it, so what? Just move back in--who's gonna
stop you? Salvage your neighbors" for new stuff and look for any of your
stuff they may have "borrowed."
40. People will at last stop laughing at your "Jesus for
President" bumper sticker. Put a "Joseph Smith for
Vice-President" sticker on your spouse"s car.
41. You can fish and hunt to heart"s content till the cows come
home--though they probably won"t. If they do come home, eat them before
anyone else does.
42. Primary children will at last stop singing "I hope they call me on
a mission."
43. Dating will become less competitive for single guys. Tell the Prophet
to ask the Lord about "polygamous dating."
44. 200 channels of 24 hour static--no more fighting with the kids over
what to watch
45. Canada"s population may actually come to equal that of the US. Or
vice versa.
46. You"ll have the chance to force your non-member neighbors to
discover the joys of whole grains.
47. Arizona will revert to its former wild west past. Take out that
six-shooter and those spurs and put 'em to good use.
48. Your national government will finally put needed revenue cut-backs into
effect. Don't worry about the national debt--the creditors are all dead now.
49. When the beast-mark people come, tell them you're allergic to silicon
and your body has its own magnetic field and anyway you have a serious case of
computer virus in your wrists and forehead.
50. No more checkbook balancing hassles. Have fun writing out checks for
millions of dollars to your grandchildren.
51. No waiting in line at the Statue of Liberty National Park--new easy
access for acrophobic persons.
52. Offer to buy the MTC from the Church for 1/1000th its original value.
When they ask you to leave, tell them it's their last chance.
53. When member friends ask you why God is causing all these destructions,
just tell them that they never did their visiting teaching, so now Jesus is
doing it for them.
54. Northern Israelite and Spanish become the official languages of the US
and Canada.
55. You'll finally have a basis to start that Mormon Anti-Defamation League
you always wanted to.
56. As events unfold, you'll stop wondering which drugs St. John was on
when he wrote the Book of Revelations. You'll start asking for them.
57. You can donate your children's missionary funds to the New Jerusalem
Temple Fund free of guilt.
58. The Sci-Fi Horror genre will lose its exotic, far-away appeal. Read
"A Little House on the Prairie" to intrigue your younger siblings
and tell them its science fiction.
59. 24 hour camping adventures--quality time with the kids.
60. As the invading army approaches, ask yourself, "What would Jesus
do?" Then ask him to do it ASAP.
61. New job openings at Amnesty International
62. At youth temple night, you"ll at last be able to baptize those
investigators that stopped taking the discussions--and all their non-member
relatives. Proudly report to the temple president that the entire city of
Chicago has joined the Church.
63. Make up trendy sayings about Salt Lake City, like "This is not the
place."
64. No more awkward fashion moments that single you out for
embarrassment--the "torn and gun-shot" look will come back into
fashion.
65. After the fallout settles, put on your radiation suit and run to the
center of town. Declare yourself dictator and dissolve the municipal
government. Then quickly run out of town.
66. Nerdy Biblical Hebrew scholars will now have lots of cute Israelite
babes to chat with. Don"t ask them to interpret, as they"ll probably
quote some obscure passage of Isaiah and then laugh through their noses.
67. Make a fortune creating audiocassette versions of the newly translated
Sealed Plates. Have the original authors do their respective voices.
68. New real estate opportunities in Antarctica. Your house can have a
backyard the size of Alberta.
69. You med students will have plenty of cadavers. Use the local sports
arena to categorized the various corpses according to scientific data. Then
write up your dissertation and read it outloud on the ruins of an Ivy League
university.
70. No more pesky utility bills
71. Your "Road Warrior" fantasies can now come true--if you have
any gasoline.
72. Raid your local pioneer museum for wagons and butter churns. If
stopped, tell the docents you don't want to wind up permanently in a museum
some day.
73. Surviving Californians will finally get to stop worrying about the
"big one." Then they can take sadistic delight when the "BIG
ONE" hits the whole planet.
74. Start your very own "America's Most Disturbing Home Videos
Club." Exchange videocassettes with your friends.
75. Run through the halls of the US Congress and shout, "Ha-ha! Joseph
Smith was right!" When nobody answers, straighten your tie and leave.
76. Save money on your righteous loved ones' burials. Just rent the plot
for one or two decades.
77. Women won"t have to wear make-up during those days of perpetual
darkness. Quietly try on your wife"s mascara and wash it out at the first
sign of light.
78. Everyone alive gets a green-card to the US.
79. Offer therapeutic sessions to non-member friends who are suffering from
"world-view" shift syndrome. Explain Heavenly Father's use of the
"tough love" principle.
80. Sell commemorative plates of the New Jerusalem Temple. Clearly explain
the difference between your choice pieces and those heathen idols of the
Franklin Mint.
81. You can soon ask your dead Aunt Gladys whether she was really
homecoming queen or just runner up. Then tell her her new body is a big
improvement.
82. Bring outhouses to Adam-ondi-Ahman. Charge everyone five dollars to use
them. If scrutinized, tell them it's all going to the United Order anyway, so
just lay off. If hauled into Church court, say, "Oh, I didn't know you
meant THIS United Order?!?"
83. After the resurrection, start a job search program for unemployed
undertakers.
84. Buy tons of tickets to the Mormon Tab and Choirs of Enoch Tour. Scalp
them off to the Lost Ten Tribes.
85. Grab two of your buddies and pop up in the middle of refugee camps.
Tell everyone your names are "Nephi, Timothy, and Jonas." If they
say you were just here a few moments ago, ask them whether they remember which
direction you left in. Then hightail it in that direction.
86. Tell yourself you didn't like industrialism anyway.
87. Free radiation therapy
88. When occupying troops hit your neighborhood, you can dig out your
Halloween make-up and play "dead" in the street.
89. Wear T-Shirts that say, "I survived the Last Days" or "I
may be fat but you're wicked and I can be resurrected."
90. After centuries of use, you can put to rest the "Ring around the
Posies" song about the medieval bubonic plague. Now make up a new song to
teach your children with plague symptoms appropriate to your area.
91. Just before the first resurrection, all the celestials and terrestrials
can pig out on bacon, spare-ribs, and chocolate bars. Heck, at that point,
anyone can! It won't make a hell of a difference. Well, I guess
"hell" will make a big difference for the rest.
92. Grab a fortune with the new star charts. Sell subscriptions for daily
updates. Make up the information--nobody will have enough time to verify it.
93. See whether your name is spelled correctly in the Book of Life. If you
can't find it, change your name to something like "John Smith." If
someone ticks you off, bring white out.
94. If a bunch of people move in from Canada, ask them to please say
"Shibboleth." If they say "Sibboleth," tell them you're
distant relatives.
95. If you're in an English-speaking country, pay attention closely when
you hear Christ's voice from the heavens. Before hand, place wagers with your
English-speaking friends on whether he speaks in a British, American,
Australian, or Brooklynese accent. When he speaks in an Israeli accent, laugh
maniacally at everyone else and shout, "I won!" If everyone stares
oddly at you, tell them it's one of those unspeakable utterances and they
should mind their own business.
96. Ask Nephi what they used for olive oil.
97. While the priesthood is busy compiling the records of the Lost Ten
Tribes for press, the Relief Society can exchange recipes with the various
branches of Israel and make the official Zion"s Cookbook. Watch little
Israelite children stare in wonder at green jello with carrot strips.
98. Cash in early on your life insurance or, better yet, make a killing by
selling term life insurance to your resurrected relatives.
99. Offer "Holy Land Tours" of Jackson County to Jewish Israelis.
Exaggerate your credentials and make them feel overly privileged.
100. Transatlantic flights will just last an hour. Your ward can rent a
houseboat to London to do genealogy work and hit the local sights.
101. Ask Joseph Smith to autograph your copy of the Doctrine and Covenants.
by Americus
hausmann@ix.netcom.com
101 Reasons to Look Forward to the Fulness of the Gentiles and the Last Days
