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Kirby Classics
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Index |
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Featuring some of the best of Robert Kirby, Mormon
lampoonist and columnist for Utah's Salt
Lake Tribune.
Page posted with the permission of
Robert Kirby.
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NOTE: The SLTribune now requires payment to
access their archives. The
following links no longer go to their intended destination.
 | My
Theory: Faith Is Really About Egos and Not About Any Change for the
Better - 'Church just isn't fun if someone's bustle isn't in a
twist.' |
| Way
to Use Your Head Elder Lekker - 'Given the nature of my
personality, I had a lot of senior companions.' |
| Who
Needs Terrorists? U.S. Execs Are Better at Wrecking Economy -
'Thanks to companies like Qwest -- in particular Enron and WorldCom --
my 401k plan looks like someone drove it off a cliff.' |
| Hot,
Dry July Best Time to Play With Fire - 'It's no secret that booze
and testosterone are the real fuel behind fireworks, especially the
ones that start wildfires -- all by themselves.' |
| Buying
a Guy a Fancy New Bike? The Bottom Line Can Be Painful - 'suffered
from abnormalities to their . . . ahem, nether regions.' |
| 2000
-- A Year for the books -- Comic books, That is - 'Utah and the
rest of the world survive Y2K, prompting huge yard sales of firearms,
toilet paper and cans of pork and beans.' |
| I
Won't Have Any Trouble Selling Magazine Subscriptions With These New
LDS Publications - Titles like: 'Rolling Sunstone,' 'God &
Ammo,' 'Repenthouse,' 'Road & Tracting,' 'Better Temples &
Gardens,' 'Reader's Digress,' 'General Authority Quarterly.' |
| We
All Know God Is a Woman - But Please, If You Want Men at Church,
Keep This Under Wraps |
| Empty
Nest Syndrome Not All Bad - 'The best part of being an empty
nester is finding out that the harried parent of the bunch of lunatics
you've been rooming with all this time is someone you actually like.' |
| A
Sampling of Mormon Talk Shows - 'Audience votes whether or not to
excommunicate humiliated guest at end of show.' |
| You
Can't Hide From Your Church Call - 'Unless you have done something
spectacularly bad--shot somebody, or possibly mentioned
Mother-in-Heaven during a lesson--it can only mean that there's a
church job waiting for you.' |
| Mormons
Have No Cultural Monopoly on Intolerance, Arrogance and Bigotry, But
Humans Do - 'Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting
dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope.' |
| Work
Is Place To Recover From Vacation - 'Robert's Rule of Remembrance:
... the more important an item is, the farther away from it you have
to get in order to remember you forgot it.' |
| Mustache
Policy Didn't Come Straight From God - 'This wasn't much of a
problem back then because some sister missionaries had more facial
hair than I did.' |
| Vatican
Suggests Rewrite of McDonald's Slogan: We Love to See You Smile
--While You Burn in Hell - 'Welcome to Hell. Would you like to get
fried with that?' |
| Our
New Bishop Lives Across the Street From Me . . . and Right Now, He
Looks Really Worried - 'When they announced his name, nobody
gasped or fainted like they did the time I got called as Elder's
Quorum president.' |
| Designing
the Ward Newsletter - 'A good one would be connecting the boils on
a picture of Job to produce the actual floor plan of Solomon's
Temple.' |
| News
Flash: Religious People Haven't Cornered the Market on Being Jerks
- 'People who claim to know Jesus and love his word seem incapable of
appreciating the irony of their behavior.' |
| Greeting
a Missionary Coming Home Is Fine, But Please Let Other Passengers Off
the Plane - 'The throng choked the gate and went wall-to-wall
across the concourse.' |
| More to come |
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Dr. 60's
alien abduction
return vortex
what diet?
Picasso on Kirby
Mt. Rushmore or Moon picture?
knock knock
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For more listings, see KirbyBooks.com
Salt Lake
Tribune columnist Robert
Kirby lives in Springville. He welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville,
UT 84663, or e-mail at <rkirby@sltrib.com >
This index created on November 4, 2000
visits since July 24, 2001
Last updated on October 22, 2006
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Books by Robert Kirby
