ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive
and refold a road map at the same time.
AL*GORE*RITHM. (n. Math.) A process whereby a finite set is counted repeatedly
until the desired number of items is reached, whether or not that number is
less than or greater than the finite number of items in the set. [Dec. 8,
2000]
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream
of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the
drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in
the eye (or ear).
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
BEELZEBUG (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at
3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
BOZONE (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any
more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up
display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are
not connected.
CARPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen
times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it
back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
CASHTRATION (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
CATERPALLOR (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit
you're eating.
DECAFALON (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department
store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on
the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
DOPELAR EFFECT (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when you come at them rapidly.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only
be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front
of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow
suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people
maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you
press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
EXTRATERRESTAURANT (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted
and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
FAUNACATED (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed.
Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
FOREPLOY (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads
to...
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
GRANTARTICA (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without
funding.
HEMAGLOBE (n.) The bloody state of the world.
INTAXICATION (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer
KINSTIRPATION (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to
resort to the 'illegal' side.
LULLABUOY (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you
from drifting off to sleep.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb
struggling to come to life.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses
its nose to it.
REINTARNATION Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the
phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.
