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Reconciliation: At What Cost?Lessons from a painful divorce from an abusive husband and the ramifications for Outcasts liberated from the controls of the LDS unrighteous dominion.
From: Susan
Carter
Sent: Monday, January 13, 2003 5:30 AM
Subject: Re: [lds_reconciliation] At what cost?
James has brought up an interesting point: why don't we reconcile first and
then see if there shall be a second reconciliation. Concerning the second reconciliation I
have a few thoughts.
This all reminds me of my first marriage. It was an abusive one, but I
hung in there for 15 years thinking somehow there would be a miracle. We parted more than
once and reconciled because it just killed me to break up our family. As I matured and
studied, I realized that I had done all I could do and there was no corollary reaching out to me
from my husband nor repentance nor admittance of his problems. After 3 years of intensive
marital counseling, the counselor looked me in the eye after a six month reconciliation and
said, "Are you convinced you have done everything in your power, and I mean EVERYTHING to
save this marriage?" With sobs I admitted I had. It was lunacy on my part to have
hung on so long. I divorced, but because of his vindictive nature he took custody of the
children in a very long and expensive battle. He always claimed to have loved me, claimed up
until 13 years AFTER the divorce that he still cared about me too much to be around me and be
nice. His version of love was control.
I do not see the LDS church in a much different light. It seems those
that are outcast are reaching out to the church in a hopeless effort of reconciliation while the
Church does not show any signs of repenting its part of the problem nor even admitting them.
There are pockets of hope, but they are in the lay leadership, not at the top. Fruitless
reconciliation is a painful process, but sometimes we just have to try to live with ourselves and
say, "I did EVERYTHING I could possibly do without sacrificing my self worth and dignity (and
sometimes did even that) and there is nothing else I could do." Their version of
"saving" is also control.
They want to control us so that we will not expose their weaknesses neither
personal nor corporate. It stems from an incorrect paradigm started about Wilford Woodruff's
time, the infallibility of the prophet. If that is so why did Joseph make provisions in the
leadership to call a prophet to repentance? Why does Isiaih tell us that the leaders will be
corrupt? It does not weaken my faith to see my leaders struggling with their own
issues. It only makes them stronger in my eyes: to serve despite their
weaknesses. It humbles them to know that even with leadership and gifts they are fallible
and subject to the same things we are. As we watch them conquer their weaknesses it gives up
hope we can conquer ours. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I also know he
made mistakes even when speaking as a prophet. But so what? This life is to learn
discernment and not to rely on any man with blind faith. Our strength is Christ, the Holy
Ghost and our Father. In them we must rely.
My experience tells me that following leaders blindly is dangerous. There
are Bishops and Stake Presidents who abuse sex, alchohol, drugs and so forth (My staunch LDS
parents tell me of these things in special 10 Step LDS Meetings). I know of similar things
personally. If this is so at this level are we naive to think it does not occur at higher
levels, too? Shall we follow these men in unrighteousness? No, of course not.
Are they all weak vapid men? Of course not.
Are we safe in following the majority of the Twelve? Will they never lead
us astray? Their combined wisdom in General Conference is pretty basic. I do not
believe they will lead us in strange paths; however, like Moses, we may be left to wander in a
spiritual desert for 40 years because of the wickedness of the general church. We get the
leaders we deserve and can handle. Perhaps some of the brethren ache to give us meat, but
have been restrained from doing so because of the wickedness of the people.
When my children would not listen to me, I had to impose more and more
rules. Their field of freedom narrowed considerably. Perhaps the Lord is dealing with
us in a similar way. If we will not live the higher laws he will give us the lesser with a
corollary lessening of blessings (or spiritual gifts). Perhaps we will tire of our severe
restrictions and cry out to God for more. Perhaps we are experiencing punishments "unto
the third or fourth generation" because of the traditions of our fathers and we need to plead
to the Lord for relief. Perhaps if the general populace of the church truly desired to
repent, the Lord would bless us with Leaders who gave us the meat of Zion.
Perhaps the general populace of the church are blinded thinking "all is
well in Zion" and if we err God will punish us with a few stripes? Perhaps those that
are being excommunicated are leaving a felt vacancy in the wards. I know member missionary
work has fallen dramatically in the last 10-15 years. Is that because many of the stalwarts
who would do the work are now outcast?
The pattern in the scriptures has always been that the true church apostasizes
and the Lord starts anew with a remnant of his Saints. We keep thinking we will avoid this
scenario somehow, that we are different. We keep hoping against hope that the people of the
Church will repent, the Lord will again reveal His will and we wll become Zion. We pray that
we will be Ninevah again and stay the destructions by our repentance.
Now to the first suggestion: the reconciliation among the outcasts
first. Unless each individual outcast takes the beam out of his own eye first instead of
concentrating on the beam in the churches eye we won't move forward either. Unless we repent
(turn away from and re-aim better) of our follies, unless we have a personal relationship with
Christ, unless we are performing miracles, unless we have happy homes, and UNTIL we are an example
of righeousness. we will not prick the hearts of the people nor the leaders. Until we learn
to be patient with other's weaknesses, care for one another, be truly charitable, and act like
true saints of God, we are no better off than our blinded brethren.
Our eyes have been opened, but have we truly had a change of heart? And if we did once can we still say that we are experiencing the fruits of that change? Are we kinder to our spouses and our children and our friends? Do we have the Love of God in our hearts or are we so bitter at our cruel treatement that we can think of nothing else? Do we walk our talk?
It is harder to be faithful without the strict guidelines and structure of the
church. There is no one asking us if we have loved our neighbor (done our home
teaching). There is no one saying did you set aside some time to worship and commune (go to
church or the temple). There is no one calling us to positions of care where we can grow
through service. We must look around us and find the need and fill it. There is no one
asking us if we live the Word of Wisdom. Are we living the higher law or the lesser
now? Are we still stuck in the letter of the law instead of the spirit of the
law? There is no one patting us on the back and stroking our ego every week for a job well
done--a lesson, a song, a talk. There is no one coming to your home to visit once a month
even if it is on the last day for a little fellowship. There are no socials or parties to
attend to bond with our neighbors. There are no baptisms to attend to remind us of the
promises we have made to our Father. There are no special firesides to lift us up when we
are weary. It is just us and God.
We have more time now that we don't have so many church assignments. What
do we do with it? We have more knowledge now because of all our years of study. Are we
more wise, too? We are free to fellowship with one another, why don't we do it?
Because we aren't assigned to? We have been led like children within the church having our
every move practically dictated for us. Shall we grow up to be spiritual adults or shall we
long for childhood? If we still act like children who need rules we should go back to
"school" and not expect any respect from the other school children who see us as just
playing hooky. When we are spiritual adults, the children will naturally turn to us for
guidance.
If we are still children spiritually and try to reconcile together first, we
will end up just creating another school for children. Until we are true spiritual adults we
will not form an adult organization, Zion.
Susan
I watch this journey, wincing as I am pretty sure of the outcome. But
there is a part of me that still says, maybe just maybe there will be repentance on both sides
this time. My experience and good sense tell me otherwise, but hopes die hard, even in
someone who should know better.
Susan
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Page posted Jan. 14, 2003 |
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